Anal astronaut?
Wow word travels fast.
i think blowjobs on the first date are perfectly acceptable. as long as you dont go dick to mouth.
Let's face it. We both have sexy parts. Why not have them touch?!
You should probably wake up already as I have yet another story for you. Teaser? Blood from knife wound. Tequila. Guitar hero. Kitchen counter. Lawyer.
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
I kinda volunteered your dick to help her deal with her virginity issues. Figured you wouldn't mind.
Just got home. Taking a quick shower. I smell like sex and chorizo. Dont ask.
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
I smell like thanksgiving dinner and bad decisions. Its not even thanksgiving yet.
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
Randomize
