Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
Wedsnesdays are always enlightening. Tonights revealation: One should not smoke from something taller than their person.
Throw up on the ground, people dancing to loud Bollywood music, seats literally missing. Fuck I hate public transit
for real. he might as well bring dogs if they're lower than a 7.
He deleted all his profile pics with her. It was like the bat signal for single women everywhere.
it was all good until he screamed "for fraaannnceee" on his last thrust
Hey Im running from the cops. hiding in a bush. when you're approaching the intersection honk the horn twice and I will come out.
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
I'd feel bad about being drunk at the Christmas service, except for the fact that I've already had sex in this church, so this is just small change.
Again? Most people check out of hotels, they don't escape from them
She ran from her surprise party screaming "I'm not ready for an intervention." Yeah, the girl has a problem.
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
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