Yes. UR adorable in a weird way.
Did you hallucinate the same white buffalo that I did last night.
No, but I did see you shaking hands with a homeless man.
i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
I wore my underwear in the shower just in case i passed out and you had to come in and get me
The good news is the bleeding stopped. I think I'm going to sober up before I tell you the bad news though.
I know I'm not the first to fuck in a park but i deserve props for doing it at 3pm. On a sunny day might I add.
He's the second guy this morning whose job is jeopardized because of my vagina.
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
I inhaled my own vomit, how was your night?
Does your body have a liquid mass index? does that make sense? I think I drank it in Long islands.. Kill me now..
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives
it's like he didn't even know what a vagina was
Randomize
