Goodnight my chunky, little, marshmallow muncher
the last time I saw her she was leaving the mens bathroom and club rush with her dress inside out. typical tease.
You act like I'm friends with her or something. I only screw her boyfriend!
Oh yeah.
just threw up on my speech test, so much for a great semester
you two started sword fighting with 3 ft tall spruce trees you pulled out of planters
No, we talked about it. They're cool with me living here as long as I sleep with them both.
You're a rent hooker.
I can't keep up with all the guys you're banging. I'm just going to start referring to them by city of origin.
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
So some drunk guy just tried to convince me with all of his passion that bacon is a color
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
That's the second time the same cop pulled me over well a different girl was giving me road head
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
Randomize
