i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
Agreed. Everyone should experience a blackout before 3pm in their lifetime.
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
i'm having flashbacks of crying and telling you i was made out of egg salad.
People said that when they tried to talk to me I answered that there was a glass around my head stopping me from answering them
I wish we knew morse code and could knock to each other through the wall
They better not charge my debit card for what you peed on.
It is unclear if my flaming esophagus is hangover induced.
We had sex on a dog bed..
I'm sorry I peed on myself in front of your boy toy. You should tell him I'm usually not that trashy. It was nice meeting him tho..
I think we should have a sex position advent calendar
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
It occurred to me today, whilst I was on the phone to boyfriend number 1, whilst in the car with boyfriend number 2 who was dropping me at the shops to meet boyfriend number 3 to help me buy a present for boyfriend number 4 that I should be having much more sex than I am.
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
Randomize
