I wanna come home
And do what?
Kiss. Rip clothes off. Repeat.
You picked a bad night to stay in. ____ caught her hair on fire in ____'s birthday cake.
She had to stop drop and roll while two other girls beat the flames out. She might have a black eye
I had a dream that I had 21 friend requests. it was the best day
i kept telling her phones are not food, and she countinued to put it in her mouth..
The only bad thing about this relationship... my forearm strength is dwindling
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
Who knew there were so many rules and judgements about laying on a kitchen floor. I'm all like I'm resting. It just happens to be on a kitchen floor.
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
Maybe. I want to have sex at the fire station, most likely on one of the trucks. I wonder if I can finagle that before I tire of the spelling and grammatical errors in his texts.
Good luck. While you're suffocating on a dick, I'll be eating pizza rolls. Being a good girl.
He just took off his shirt. I'll text you later.
Randomize
