I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
he just came in and straightened the chair and left again
Like. I probably should fuck him. I owe him for breaking his thumb.
Look. If you're going to be my girlfriend you need to be down with me licking BBQ off your face infront of kids.
Dude, for twins they have shockingly different blowjob styles.
STOP FUCKING MY SISTERS!!!!
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
If I ever go to jail it will be because of you, I can feel it.
They were out of soap so you started calling yourself a dirty bitch
I was thinking we could get together and exchange gifts, and by gifts I mean orgasms.
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
They got skeletons in the booths to enforce social distancing.
Thought they were weekend at berniesing that shit at first.
Randomize
