return my video game
So why didn't Edward and the Cullens just kill Hitler?
You need to stop watching Twilight.
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
you said your puke was red because you were proud to be an american.
Just asked the bartender if I could use the register to see my grades.
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
when I was walking home I wad so excited to see a cat on the sidewalk but it was really a traffic cone
Did I tell you about my dream that I got handed a $100 and my vagina dissolved it? I think it wants me to not be a whore anymore.
Sorry for prompting a philosophical penis discussion at 10:45 on a Friday night.
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
I'm not going to tell you how to live your life, which includes naming your schlong
just bought safety googles to wear so he can cum on my face and not in my eye. SAFETY FIRST!
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
my penis made a compromise with my morals
Randomize
