Call me when you're up
Great dream, you were in it
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
Its gonna be a symphony of fucks
Liver, I have supported you for 18 fucking years. Pull your weight for ONE NIGHT and detoxify this alcohol.
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
I dont know about you but I'm not getting out of bed this summer for anything but food or sex
It's a "nonproductive" (vocab word) cough. It's like a constant tickle in my throat, like there's a little elf with feathers for feet going Gangnam style on my "uvula" (vocab word).
you guys just sat there and simultaneously smoked bowls staring at each other... it was like a bowl off or something.
Hooked up with a guy resembling a bearded Cher. I need the lenses on my beer goggles fixed. Pronto.
Sockward: that moment during sexytimes when you realize your socks are still on and you have no idea how to remove them in a non-awkward fashion.
Whatever. I just want to indulge in this mcchicken and forget all about his tiny penis.
I'm recreating the you're a wizard harry video with a guy on snapchat whilst having snapchat sex with another... Adulting is fun
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
I LACK THE NECESSARY BRAIN FUNCTIONS TO BE ABLE TO PROPERLY RESPOND TO THAT
I decided we werent gonna go for round 5 when he started trying to have a serious conversation about how blessed he is to have such a nice penis
He has a point, the man's penis is a legend.
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