i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
Ok, honestly? Periods can't be THAT bad, have you ever tried to shave a ball sack?!
She bent the beer can with her tongue. I'm scared of what she'll do to me
Hah, I lost the lenses in my glasses, didn't event notice til this morning... How was the meeting?
I kinda remember trying to staple rolls of toilet paper to make a pillow, but it's blank after that.
i woke up completely naked except for a bottle of beer saran wrapped in between my boobs
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
Also, I am ligit concerned that I might compulsively start collecting vibrators like Pokemon.
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
If you enjoy dance recitals as much as I do, that's one shitty Father's Day...
Do you think you can chase a shot with chicken soup?
That is priceless. You walk into her house, fuck her husband and demand Chinese food. Your an inspiration to us all.
I don’t know how to sext. What do you say? What do you don’t say?
Just start quoting WAP lyrics.
Randomize
