It never fails.. every time I have a dick in my mouth he calls me.
If you're fucking that other dude, I'll take the sloppy seconds. I don't care.
I'm sorry but I require more work than your hamster. I need food, a minimum of 5 pillows, and I need to be played with daily.
It feels like New Years Day all over again...me trying desperately not to throw up in the backseat & mom and dad blissfully unaware in the front
He barged in the room with no shirt on, all fucking ripped with a half keg under one arm. Sara now calls him Bronan the Beerbarian
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
I wouldn't even cut tickets or put ppl in jail I'd just hand out punches to the mouth and Liam Neeson throat chops
he apologises profusely for spelling mistakes in his texts but doesn't care about cheating on me. priorities
We're now referring to our nightly Skype time as "strokes of genius." Long distance sucks.
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
I'm allotting you four buildings to piss on tonight. Choose wisely.
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
I wanna trust fall face first on a penis.
It was platonic naked porno viewing, I swear.
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