im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
I didn't realize he wasn't circumcised... it looked like the Unibomber...
he was pretty good aside from the whole putting his tongue on my butt thing
she said she'd get any tattoo I wanted ... so she's getting a large crossword puzzle as a tramp stamp. I'm the Einstein of doggy style
bring money and cleavage
Tell your friends I said hi and that if they touch your penis I'll cut off their hands.
When's a good time to tell your boyfriend you've slept with his ex girlfriend?
So yeah never trust sex tips from yahoo answers
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
Drinking a bawls. If I'm dead when you get home, yes, they are poisoned.
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
Just because he told you it was safe doesn't mean you should have licked it.
Do you remember biting my ear and whispering quotes of Pride and Prejudice last night?
I found them in the bathroom trying to wrap an American flag around Steve's dick. I didn't bother to ask questions.
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
Randomize
