party started at 10. cops are coming to shut us down now and its 11. i already lostmy underwear and im wearing a sparkly thong on my haed. this has to be some kinda record.
I discovered the grieving process is shock, denial, anger...and then something about drinking until you puke on yourself
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
Just drove through Taco Johns wearing a drug rug and no pants. When I rolled down my window, the girl paused for a minute before saying "um... 4.07"
Come down. Bring Jorts. We're getting ready for this tricycle race like champions.
Dude. Some drunk chick just put an Aussie hat on me and was screaming at me in German. Her friends had to drag her away. Point being, I now have a cool hat.
We tried to make ramen in a glass bowl on the stove. They called facilities to pick the glass out of the door
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
While he was gone for spring break I took his head board... I don't wanna wake up from his shenanigans for the rest of my college career.
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
THERE IS A MAN IN THE BATHROOM IN COLONIAL GARB GET HERE
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
All I remember is being lured out to sit by the fire by you holding a piece of pizza in front of me
He deliberately gets me high because he knows I fuck better and then I make food for two. I don't know if I should feel mad or proud of him for thinking that far.
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
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