I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
It's more exciting when they aren't single....and even better when you have to pretend that you just slept with their roommate while trying to do the walk a shame as their girlfriend comes marching into the apt.
Im not the least bit jealous of the life you lead.
just jacked off in the bed i was conceived in.
i don't know how the hand towel got involved, but i peed all over it
So we are lighting beer bottles on fire and breaking them in half to make glasses
That sounds dangerous
Don't worry......were wearing oven mits.
I could get a dump truck for 1000. Think of the possibilities.
I'd appreciated it if you didn't lick my boyfriends face again. I'm askin nicely. Thank you.
then she said she was half-a-virgin and that she would appreciate it if i would finish what her old booty call started
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
One reason I feel like garbage: Kraft single wine shots
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
FOUND MY PANTIES COMINY JOME
I can't get the smell of burned penis out of the house
No joke. There's a picture of the priest I made out with on my parents' refrigerator.
Randomize
