This is how I know I have no life... Jon and Kate are my emotional roller coaster.
I woke up and there was 3 different size condom wrappers on the floor. What is this goldie locks and the 3 condoms???
we were so high we made up an elaborate backstory because we were paranoid about going into the wig shop w/o being serious wig shoppers
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
Harry Potter. Singing. Sobering up. In that order.
Last thing I remember was you straddling a guy in a wheelchair on the dance floor.
Ohhh. Its been awhile. Vending machine hotel condoms are $15 here who can afford to not get herpes?
June 16th my calendar just says boobietassels....I can only assume that has to do with you
Sorry I can't go bowling with you guys. I'm getting daytime dick. That's the best kind.
Abort mission; I repeat: Abort mission.I found an attractive one.
The only thing left on my Bucket List is getting fingered at an aquarium.
How is it medically possible for my urine to smell like espresso
You know darned well I have a well-documented weakness for redheads, Subway and hand-drawn graphic novels.
I thought the dude was just really enjoying his piss but apparently he was jerkin off into the urinal.
Ladies night is a gift from god. If it weren't for that, I'd probably be selling my eggs for booze money.
Randomize
