oh right, i forgot that not everyone has a go-to blowjob
Spotted: Pepto Bismol pink Scion with Ed Hardy sticker on front window, air freshener, and seat covers. Total Douchette Mobile.
Seeing a catheter being inserted into a penis severely diminished my sex life
Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
This Girl Got Ghosted By Her BF Of 5 Years While On A Trip They Took For Her Birthday
Found the puke drawer
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
Ew. He is mine. We all know that if he has a mid-life crisis and decides to sleep with a student, I AM THAT STUDENT. She's not friends with him on FB. Reassuring.
People Are Applauding Chrissy Teigen For Getting Candid About Breast-Pumping
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
Am I just high or is she having an auction for her vagina on Twitter
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
So it's official...my sex life has improved since Pokemon came out...
She's not answering my calls
Well it sounds like you really fucked up
WHO HOLDS A GRUDGE OVER MEMES
I wanted to say "you're a souless cunt" but in a nice way. So I added a smiley face.