I don't care how bad it tastes, i just put it in my mouth and deal with it
today's the one month anniversary of me not giving anyone head. can you tell me you're proud
it's sad that this is a milestone
For some reason I just don't think you going to the gay bar alone on thanksgiving is a good idea.
just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
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he handed me my panties in front of my date. turns out he wasn't that mad.
She kept talking about how amazing the banana she had yesterday was. Don't know if it was innuendo, stoned, or just a really amazing banana.
I just don't do feelings in the summer months.
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
I'm still pretty drunk right now, but when this hangover hits me, I'm going to be super pissed. It's a preemptive never drinking again.
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URGENT INPUT I'm at a renesance fair after party and I'm 100% lined up to fuck their sword swallower OR their contortionist. Dont say both - which direction doth I roll?
It makes no sense at first, you go with it, it's fun and entertaining and then a disaster
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
He threw up on my head while I was blowing him, and then I started barfing, and the kitchen floor was a mess. Believe me, he will never, ever live this down.
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
She was drunk at Red Robin. She asked for more fries and then shoved them in her purse while saying "Come on bitches, you're coming with me" to them.