the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
You realize if you die tommorow, the last memory i'll ever have of you is your ballsack on skype
tonight, alcohol would be proud of us
We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
All i know is we had 4 people on a tandum bike, and told the cops we couldnt stop because our momentum was so good.
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
I command you to take a shot and dance like the pretty little gay boy you are.
I've decided to dedicate my life to finding out which flavor of Gatorade tastes best after you brush your teeth
Eating an ice cream sandwich while your little bro gets me weed. May I adopt him?
The only rule I'm making for myself tonight is to not drink out of the sink at the bar.
Mom told me you snuck booze into a concert in a cheez its box...I have never been prouder to be related to you
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