god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
have you ever noticed that homeless people never have acne. suck it proactive
I guess calling a coworker a lesbian sea cow is some kind of violation.
FOR A FUCKING 40?! A FUCKING 40?! YOU GAVE THE CAT AWAY FOR BEER?!
You would not believe how incredibly hard it is to climb on top of a three story apartment buildings roof from the air conditioning unit
I just took my birth control with a water bottle I found in my purse with vodka in it in Spanish class. 10am is still too early for me.
He put my hand on his penis and said welcome home.
Thanks to you and Ketel One I now have a court summons with the actual word "frolicking" on it.
I'm glad that even though we are states apart our whorish hearts beat as one
Trying to take a nap and my brain decides to play "lets have flashbacks every time you blew it with a chick in college". It's a montage of stupidity and youthful inexperience. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
Please hurry. I'm the only one here who's not an attorney with a trophy wife.
thankfully we both ride of shamed home together on razor scooters in dresses because we stopped for breakfast sandwiches too
My neighbor was my D.A.R.E officer and I feel like I've defeated him by smoking weed outside everyday
Randomize
