Red Bull/Vodka? You bet I'm showing everyone my penis tonight.
This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
I don't think anyone has ever said "boy I'm glad I took those shots of everclear" when they wake up
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
It was like good, clean fun, but with bodyshots.
He looked at my vag and said "you have a nice situation down there. Good work"
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
How much do you charge for your Funyun and beer delivery service?
It is becoming increasingly more likely that my entire halloween costume will be entirely composed of borrowed clothing from the two girls I'm hooking up
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We were basically fucking on the dance floor. People kept buying us drinks. It really only encouraged us.
He's tiny, but ripped. Like a stacked hobbit. He's going to pull our sexy, crime-fighting rickshaw.
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
You know you're out of shape when you're sore after masturbating.
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
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