She can't keep using her latex allergy as an excuse to go bareback with everyone.
We got drunk before dinner. People at the other tables were praying for us.
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
Your like the Mozart of blow jobs, you make every other girl seem like cheesy elevator music.
So i just got guilted into doing a tequila shot by a group of guys chanting "USA!" at me.
I sat on the toilet and peed through my jeans, then I pissed the bed and blamed him...do you think well have a 2nd date?
he wears New Balance sneakers on a regular basis, did you really expect the sex to be more than decent?
We'll just charge in there, all pant less and fabulous demanding he give back her ferret.
How many nights in 2015 can we have no one get injured, run away crying, or get into a brawl?
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
I woke up naked wrapped in a wolf blanket on the bathroom floor
Why can't you just be normal and get dick pics from your exes like everyone else?
Just sold our expired ticket for a free night of bowling to a drunk guy downtown for 50 bucks. Ill buy beer on my way home
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
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