atleast your grandma didn't give you her USED dildo just so you wouldn't have sex.
I am currently prioritizing my hw by splitting into things i can and things i cant do drunk. Oh college
If you stick your dick in my spaghetti, we're fighting.
I tried to tell her I've only slept with 3 other people...she then named off 5 of her sorority sisters I fucked and asked me if she should continue
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
Well, I'm at the grocery store wondering whether I exist or not.
IF WE WERE REALLY BEST FRIENDS FOREVER YOU GUYS WOULD AGREE TO A WATCHING A PORNO PARTY
PA to anyone at the party last night and wondering where your pants are: they are in my backyard.
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
I just bought us acid. I'm like the drug tooth fairy. Get ready to wake up with a sweattart of acid under your pillow.
My entire news feed is ice bucket challenges. I wish there was a hide from feed button like FarmVille
Things that don't wash off in the shower: black eyes and hickies.
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
someone found a bottle of whiskey in the bushes this morning when they were cleaning before an admissions event. i'm 95% sure it's mine..
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