She uses my penis to point at the tv when we talk about the shows. I love her
Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
Midnight run for medical supplies ended several hours later with a lapdance to the Braveheart soundtrack.
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
Its not gay if you're best friends and there's less than an inch of dick in the picture. That's where the line is drawn
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
I'm not saying you did or didn't sleep with him but he's has your thong hanging from his ceiling fan
Nothing more ironic than raw dogging some random Asian hottie last night and then doing the walk of shame home from her place mixed in with the participants of the AIDS walk
All I got was pictures of my boss and dicks. So, that was the end of snapchat.
I can't open my mouth wide enough to make full use of this snapchate update
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
Heyyyy, naked guy in your kitchen, can i ask you a quick question about a legal situation in pb??
She swallowed the car key because she thought we were really going to make her drive.
Randomize
