please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
The remote chance that I may get a blowjob is about the only reason I have a shower every day.
we just bought Vicodin from the Chinese delivery guy, this day just keeps getting better.
hahaha lucky. I'm fishing with some dude I just met when I woke up next to the mohawk river
We listened to Rod Stewart Pandora and slow danced in the shower.
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
The only thing stopping me from having sex with you in my parents jacuzzi bathtub is the knowledge that they've already had that idea themselves
Uh yeah can we get an age of consent check on Dave's penis?
Age of consent, Dave's penis. Thank you...
its ok, the prom king gave me his crown to puke in
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
Bacardi 151 is like a past nightmare I'm still curious about
Bank just called....we left my debit card in the ATM last night.
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
That man makes my giblets tingle
Congrats? I think?
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