This guy told us that for a dollar and two cigarettes he'd let Megan stomp on his crotch. We were gonna refuse, but we figured someone had to keep him from passing his stupid genes along.
I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
I can only speak casual parseltoungue, im not bad though. just the general, "wheres the bathroom?" "open the chamber of secrets" that type of stuff
Those people having sex on the beach kept looking over at you guys throwing his shoes at the seagulls.
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
I've never felt more disgusting in my life. And I'm including the time I snuggled that homeless woman in the puddle of my whiskey vomit.
He said I kept trying to give him directions back to my house in Rhode Island, and that I started crying when he told me I live in Phoenix.
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
You don't know how badly I want to just hold you as a soup spoon holds a bisque
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
Haha never eat brownies from a guy with batman pajamas
so in addition to the two guys I slept with last night, and the third that I turned down this morning, a fourth has appeared. best Valentine's Day ever.
I'm not in it for just the sex. If I wanted mediocre dick once a week I would have stayed with one of my exes.
i do my most serious thinking while screwing her. ive pondered everything from quantum physics to the life cycle of a badger. if i keep this up ill have a phd in no time.
Two of us got arrested. Gonna be delayed a bit. Save me a burger.
Randomize
