Say my name once during sex just to fuck with her. Like when it gets rough.
I assumed she put out when I heard her friend call her "dickbutt"
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
i would hope so, cause i don't think 'i drove off the road because i was getting some head' is covered in insurance
I burst into tears on the boat this morning because we bumped a duck in the head. I am way too hung over for today
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
I found him on the floor in the kitchen eating cheese and tomato. I mean a block of cheese and whole tomatoes, he was alternating. Thats why your cheese has teeth marks.
You know it's a good weekend when you wake up on Sunday questioning your sexuality.
I'd apply for another job, but "staring out windows crying" is not a hot qualification right now.
I haven't filled him in on Operation "find a sugar daddy & suck dick for money" yet, but I'm sure he just wants me to be happy.
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
SOOOOOO I just attempted to go to the gym, hungover. Ended up throwing up in the bathroom. I hope people think I'm just working out really hard
I'm wearing men's underwear
I don't know what to do with that information...
Randomize
