The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
we were taking shots of hot tequila, which is even worse than it sounds
what part of covering your puke with shaving cream seemed like a good idea?
This unplanned pregnancy thing is really taking all the fun out of football season.
oh great. kentucky is ranked #1 in the country for child abuse. go us.
The Shake Weight not only toned my arms but significantly improved my hand job form and efficiency.
I still can't figure out why that's not in the commercial.
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
just spent the last 4 hours covering his room in sticky notes. Viva Drunk Thursdays.
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
I just spent a pre-4th of july celebration riding in a raft being towed by a car through a town that I've never heard of handing out flyers for a river rafting company that I never knew existed. Good night.
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
Maybe I'm not hungover. Maybe I'm actually dying.
Do toy wanna orseer frim onedof tjose plaves? Sry textimg with globes on
Gloves*
Out of all the words to correct, you chose gloves??
I sent her a dick pic and used brett Favre's dick pick. She asked me why I had pictures of old men's dicks saved on my phone... I just can't win bro
Randomize
