there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
that's what penises do
they tell lies.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
One girl peed the bed, one lost her panties, another woke up on the piano, I have pink eye and door knobs are missing. This is why I stay in Nebraska
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
Dude. That is just waaaay to much random to process after that tequila battle.
I'm two sheets to the sexual wind
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just an FYI if we break up I'm going to sleep with your cousin or who ever my dealer is.
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
I'm pathetic. I'm eating cream puffs in the bath and crying a little.
Am I the only one who saw the used condom in the driveway this morning
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
One day I'm going to get tired of waking up and wondering where the glow sticks on the floor came from.
Randomize