can "i'm close!" be our safe word(s)?
oh geez, wrong person.
You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
hows that letter of apology to the waitress at waffle house coming?
i love how cold weather makes identifying sluts easier. is it below freezing? is she wearing a tube top? she's easy.
we ended up on her 9 year old brothers bed and he saw the whole thing.... now he will know how to use his equipment
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
My diabetic professor who apparently didn't eat anything all day keeps passing out. I gave him a joint. He's gonna be fine.
This isn't just a hangover. I can feel the blood moving through my veins, and it hurts.
I lost all of my bathing suit tops.. This is both a success and a failure
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
Realizing life ain't all about burritos and strippers, it's a struggle out there, and it ain't looking pretty so far,..
He finally left. I didn't introduce him to the roommate. The sex is bad. I don't want him to feel welcome
I just found three upside down bottles of grapejuice in a triangle around the air freshener above my toilet... I guess it was one of those nights
He told me that losing me was the biggest mistake of his life. Of course it was. My tits are incredible and I know more about college football than he does.
Randomize
