Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
dude, osama threatened the US again
dude. i slept with your sister last night
what?
I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news
Erin Andrews shaves. She also likes to check out her ass in the mirror. Of course if I had an ass like that I'd be checking it out in the mirror too.
he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina.
i sleep in a fine layer of vodka and semen. i don't know that that would appropriate for a pajama rally.
i was drunk and our names rhymed...what was i supposed to do?
how should i go about explaining the hickey i drunkenly gave myself last night?
That's cool, I just have to let the dogs out AND SO HELP ME GOD IF YOU TEXT ME BAHA MEN LYRICS WE ARE NOT FRIENDS.
He asked me if I could call his penis destroyer... Uhh SOS.
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
We somehow managed to get the sumo-wrestler costume into the washing machine, but I don't think the cupcake icing completely came off... And it still smells like tequila.
I'll probably just end up banging you in your parents marital bed,in their honor of course.
The internet was right. Snorting muscle relaxers is awful
Dude this weed has me so paranoid.
Yeah tell me about it I just screamed after I coughed because my own cough scared me.
Clothing is a burden necessitated by propriety.
Randomize
