haha it's okay then, bc he only killed a canadian, they're not real people
I could make wine with my vomit
he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
She told me to stay away from him cause apparently he fucks anything that walks. clearly i responded with..."i walk"
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
Oh my god, I am the best RA ever. I'm teaching my freshman girls how to deep throat on bananas as a group bonding activity. I'm making the religious ones eat them for potassium.
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
It feels like the devil is humping my brain with his razor sharp erection.
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
Also food confession I ate an entire bag of starburst jelly beans today. and a plan B. All around think I hit all my nutrients
I give out orgasms like candy and ride a motorcycle...how is that not appealing
How many times do I have to tell you I'm not bisexual.
.....unless there is alcohol involved
Apparently the girl he banged in the bathroom yelled at him for hitting on me all night. But whatever, he was holding her hand for most of it
Randomize
