Also, I'm sitting at a crosswalk watching two Mexican gangs fight each other. I miss you too. A lot.
The bar is so dead the tender gave us free shots for staying. They mixed 2pac and phil collins. That's worth at least three shots.
Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
She threw up everywhere and is crying about a fictional character who died on Grey's Anatomy
Heads up. We filled your kiddie pool with kool-aid and vodka. Things are about to get Out. Of. Hand. Quickly.
He kept saying "this is a bad idea" wasn't in his vocabulary. He left at 2 came back at 6 eating frozen waffles and he had a symbol, a moped mirror, and a new MacBook. I'd say he had a good time
Thanks again for allowing my sister to lose her virginity on your bed.
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
Partying with my eighth grade history teacher I know you're jealous
It was a blast. I was going to say that throwing up in the airport bathroom wasn't classy, but it's classier than quietly puking into a fast food cup while in your seat during takeoff...
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
you were so high you asked for half double stack and half crispy chicken sandwich "welded together" in the wendy's drive through
Please tell me why we have been neighbors since elementary school and waited until the night before I moved to fuck.
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
Randomize
