Best look from Detroit today: running across the street with your buttcheeks on display carrying a 40 oz. Or maybe being crazy-pregnant and screaming and slamming a pay phone. Toss up.
He actually believes he's not an alcoholic if he doesn't go to meetings.
First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
its like they have never seen someone walk through campus with a plunger
I just saw some girl with the liscense plate "OBVIII"...I never wanted to get in a car accident so badly.
I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
You face planted into a car door. And somehow didn't drop your burrito.
It's one of those days where you order the free Papa John's pizza so the delivery guy can bring you Coke to go with your rum. The tip was more than the order.
Told him I'd blow him in the bathroom. There was a giant window everyone was looking thru. He whipped it out n I burst out laughing n walked away. Even blackout drunk I set the bar high. You should be proud.
She walks around topless and loves making sandwiches. That's how a one-night stand turned intoa relationship
I will feed you tacos. I will touch your butt. Happy Valentine's Day ❤️
Is it something I'm going to want to hug you for or slap you for?
She said "Im going to hug you" tried to give me a hickey then said her life sucks and started to cry.
Randomize
