I think about you every night.
I'm sorry.
i'm sending her a home depot gift card for the hole i put in her wall. call it good?
it's like, God thought about making her pretty then changed his mind at the last second
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
I fucked her and then she made me sleep on the floor next to her bed because she 'has a committment problem'
Not going outside. I may melt into a puddle of wine
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
he may or may not have motorboated me on the steps of the library of congress
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
We trekked into the state forest, laid the comforter down and he proceeded to tell me that we could stay here and stargaze, turned me around and fucked me like the lion king.
Um..... I have taste. The only thing I am going to bedazzle is my vagina.
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
I had such a bad bruise on my knees from blowing him so much, he asked if he could sign it...
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
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