you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
he told me my vagina needed a tic tac
just got 3 freshman girls to makeout with each other at a toga party! score!
why is this not a picture message?!?!
I just heard an old guy ask the chick he was with if she wanted to try ass to mouth...
thanks for that.
the 3rd commandment: and god said, if you buy a handle.. you must finish it.
tonight i'm making a christmas tree shaped shot pyramid
So what if i ate it off the ground. Its like i found a five dollar bill just laying there, in burrito form.
He was completely serious when he said my boobs were like "majestic white clouds."
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
Did I at antime last saturday slip away and sign up for a prayer circle?
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
We were talking about threesomes when she went to say who she would have as her third. She did not get to finish her sentence because her bf already said my name.My sheer presence destroys relationships.
I was so high. I had so much hair. It was like all my hair follicles exploded.
Is Oprah even human
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
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