but instead of smelling like hand cream and homemade cookies, she smells like a yeast infection.
why is it whenever you puke in the park there are always little kids on the swings?
hows a nice way to say "yeah i would go to your dorm, but it's snowing and I know you're not going to blow me, so what's the point"?
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
I said make yourselves at home, not to put a used condom on my ceiling fan.
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
thought i was the most hungover person in class until i saw a kid puke into his bookbag...he wins
Babe. Honestly. Trust me. Your balls are not that big. And i'm eager.
Just started taking liver support pills. Welcome to Senior year.
He threw up, and left his credit card next to the puddle. He kept on saying he wanted to pay for the damages.
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
I seriously just caught my Pina colada from falling of a table perfectly facing up. I will now reward myself by finishing this one and then getting my 8th
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
Sexting my TA in lecture = awesome
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
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