how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
Chicago was legit, ate some badass pizza and gave a cig to a crackhead..its all i thought it would be
dude last night I threw my weed into my back yard. there is now a foot of snow. after an hour I found my weed. if I put that effort into school, i'd have a 4.0.
I'm beginning to feel kind of at home at Police stations
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
Theres a high probability there will be two hot men waiting on you in your bed when you get home for lunch.
We should start a Help That Bitch Out Fund and split the donations evenly between you two.
Wait does semen show up on blood tests?
I left my bra and a book at his place. He's a hot Scandinavian who is into physics and computers - had to step up my game.
Yeah even if I got stabbed it would be worth it
He knocked me in the face with the phone during my light show. Didn't even feel it. Ecstasy is amazing
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
She was hammered and showed her gay best mate a pic of my cock, his response was "I fucked the wrong brother"
On a side note apparently my brother is gay
How did i get home and why am i wearing someone elses shorts?
1. Not sure how 2. You showed up naked, we had to dress you.
i woke up on the floor in front of the fireplace and my last google search was "fuck sponges"
Randomize
