I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
do you remember what downloading porn with a 14k modem was like?
So I have to ask... did I meet your lumberjack expectations? I mean, minus the red flannel and all.
Prereq for being on nyc prep: money, bitchy, and a lazy eye... if only you were rich
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
Sorry for calling you a whore in front of your mom. World cup brings the worst out of me.
i said good morning to each one of his abs personally
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
I think I fixed my testicle. That's why I didnt pay $25 for a doctor to do it
All I want to do is sleep. And If I'm not sleeping, I want to be eating or fucking. I'm pretty sure being pregnant has turned me into a dude.
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
Brightest idea yet: lets drink enough at ladies-drink-free nights to make up for the cost of tampons. Breaking even on having vaginas!
woke up and somehow me leather belt got torn in half. either we partied with the hulk or some chick just could not wait to see my dick. probably the former tho
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
He told me my car had really nice leather seats right before he jizzed all over them.
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