I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
Just told him about my threesome. if that doesn't make him want to date me nothing will.
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
He called his prostate his "boner button".
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
we already have meals planned for the weekend.
SEMEN IS NOT A MEAL.
Breaking a step ladder over someone's back turned into a really fun game, way too quickly.
I'm 99.9% sure the people upstairs are using walki-talkies to talk to each other across the room. Too high for this shit
Is it wrong that I want to do a nude photo shoot with nothing but a light saber?
You started pulling out condoms from your fanny pack and threw them at all the couples on the beach
Weirdest drunk sex ever. His sweat dripped into my eyeball and then he looked down and asked me why I was crying. I went with it.
I think when your throwing up on the highway on the way to pick up your mom from the airport is a sign to slow down.
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
I just mixed tangerine juice with sauv blanc. on an unrelated note, my episide of intervention is slated to run in April.
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
