What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
its summer. and we all know college gfs do not count in summer.
college gfs dont count ever. theyre like getting corn rows in jamaica. you feel cool at the time. then you go home and people make fun of you.
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
just ran into a kid I used to hook up with while wearing his shirt. Only me. I tried to pretend like it wasn't his but it said his name on the back so I wasn't winning that.
i just remebered that we smoked out my hamster yesterday...
i hope hes still alive. i just remember you give him a shit load of cereal and saying "trust me your going to need it"
How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
the amount of chicks and firearms here is unnerving. this will end awesomely or at the morgue.
you texted him "it's time for the no pants dance", please get your tubes tied.
correction: my vagina hates that I'm smart.
Still stoned. I like your bong. It can stay. No others, though.
So that prostitue I banged at Steve's bachelor party just texted and invited me to a BBQ at her parents. Never again doubt the power of the cock piercing.
So it was all good until she started grabbing my beard and telling me to "roar little lion"
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
Randomize
