you guys were way drunker than both of me
Saying you want a bj does not count as saying you wanna see me btw.
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
i love you man. i hope we fuck some serious shit up this summer.
The bond between me and cheese is something no man can understand.
I just got my beard fondled by a drunk chick outside the venue. I feel slightly violated. And I think her boyfriend wanted to fight me.
There comes a point, as I lay on the floor of the work disabled toilets contemplating catching 10 minutes sleep between chunders, that I wonder if its really worth it
OK BUT WHO THE FUCK FORGTS A LIVE CHICKEN IN MY HOUSE
I think the best course of action at this point is to cut his balls off to get him to stop reproducing
Just screamed wow while using my vibrator.. new low
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
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