well i just puked at a family gathering so i can cross that off the bucket list
I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
Halfway through banging her I realized that she was playing a sex playlist on her iPod...first time actually having sex to R.Kelly's "bump and grind"
He's married, a coworker, and a smoker. not sure which personal rule broken i'm most ashamed of...
Its Friday night, and I'm sitting at home watching are you smarter then a 5th grader, drinking vodka. I got every single question wrong. Clearly you see where I'm headed in life.
i don't think my dad can get all that mad since he got arrested for almost exactly the same thing last weekend
i feel like i am carryihg a baby. a baby made of alcohol.
Can you please tell him to stop calling me ma'am? I'm starting to remember what it's like to have self respect
There was definitely a significant amount of cookie dough in my bra
You showed them your nipple for dollars for the jukebox. You were depressed because only one of your songs played. Oh then you twisted your ankle and blamed it on your mad stripper skills.
No shame in my game.
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
On a side note, my ex husband offered to buy me shrooms
I just want to see you and express my feelings in a drunken manner, but in a sweet way like my english accent.
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
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