if i wake u up at 5am tmrw by coming into ur room wearing nothing but my indiana jones hat and purple socks while singing 'courtesy of the red white + blue' will u be pleased or annoyed
keep in mind this isn't open to negotiation, i'm just trying to gauge ur reaction
you'll never believe how fucking awesome rain man is when you're stoned.
The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
putting weed in the twinkies box was possibly the best idea you've ever had
Man, I wish they all looked like that. Your vagina deserves to have a nice frame around it, and God's signature at the bottom.
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
Dramatic love triangle! I guess mystery Asian and I will just have to fight it out for your love.
I like to think of you as more a magic eight ball of my life's journey?
She thinks Jesus was an astronaut.
For not really liking Christmas, I have an astounding amount of holiday-themed lingerie
I don't remember how I broke my nose last night, but I woke up with dried blood everywhere. Also, you should tell that guy how you feel.
Current state of being: shivering like a new born kitten on the bathroom floor
He slept outside in his hammock, and then took a lawn chair with him in the shower because he was too drunk to stand up.
She’s either doing coke or thinks my cock has the Covid vaccine. Either way I haven’t worn clothes in 3 days
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