Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
If my vagina had boots, it would be shaking in them.
I just single handedly caused ferngully by printing the wrong 900 page document
franzia sundays are my new favorite holiday
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
I'm pretty sure this isn't my phone, but I do like these nude pics
I just tried to eat one of my ear plugs, thinking it was a cheese curl. I need it to be break RIGHT NOW.
do we own a ladder
We do not.
then how am i on the roof
I broke my arm trying to do a hand stand in my shower to wash the hate out of my asshole.
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
I'm pretty sure his cum gave me swimmer's ear.
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
I'm in the recliner and i have a bottle of wine wedged in my cleavage, drinking from a straw. Clever and classy or pathetic and sloppy?
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
If it were up to me his wife would never get his penis again, but I guess they have some sort of arrangement
Yes, an arrangement called marriage
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