Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
I wish my dick could take responsibilities for his own actions
threw up in my backpack again. Asian guy I cheat from wasn't pleased.
we convinced you the moon was a planet...again
Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
i told them to call me paula dean as i was making all 10 for $10 boxes of pizza rolls in the microwave
He called me while he was having sex and asked if I wanted to go get mcdonalds
Apparently at 2 AM I decided to let the world know about my newfound love for elephants
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
I felt kinda awkward walking into his house in nothing but lingerie and my dead grandmas overcoat
I am the most hated person in hoboken. Ive been doing drunken cake boss impressions down the street for the past 20 mins.
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
Happy 20th birthday! I hope you like anxiety and having your debit card declined at McDonald's!
had to remind myself that killing him is not a good career move AGAIN.
Randomize
