well on the bright side, he charges $60 for an eighth
so he'll probably take me somewhere nice
I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
it was funny though when you first woke up you pointed at my shoe and said i need my jacket and then put my shoe on your hand
Packed at 6 am completely wasted. Damage assessment: 12 pairs of socks (no underwear), a flashlight, 3 shorts, shot glass, 8 sweaters, puff paint, one sneaker.
last night i found out that about 5 of my friends audio recorded us having sex through the bedroom door, then auto tuned it in the tpain app on his iphone.
im eating kix cereal and taking shots by myself. please come hang out with me. im desperate
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
At one point he was so drunk he was carrying around a bottle of patron drinking out of it and falling everywhere and every time he spilled it he would scream "THERE GOES TWENTY DOLLARS."
Just found out that guy A from the threesome I had is now dating guy B's younger sister
This is Jewish guilt versus Irish Catholic guilt. We should tread carefully, or we could fuck up the space-time continuum or something.
I'm okay with that.
Both our collective sex appeal dies once someone cums on a snuggie kayla
My Wonder Woman lingerie has been defiled by man. I'm a horrible Amazon.
I found you walking along the street hammered. You walked up said hi and handed me a beer.
Did we do drunk science last night? There's tequila in the test tubes...
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
Randomize
