there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
You're a big dope. Life is about fighting for what you want, not accepting what you hate.
Why does tequilla always make you text me?
we need to drink more beer. the fridge wont close.
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
I can coach you back to consumption. Think of it kinda like Rocky II.
This is God's way of telling me He loves me and wants me to be a cocktease.
Go forth my daughter and give blue balls to all who may gaze upon your tits.
Are you high right now?
is that a question or a drake reference?
I'm a hopeless romantic that likes rough sex. Judge me
Just FYI, by the transitive property my breasts have now touched the Stanley Cup.
We were fucking and his phone rang and it was his grandma. He just had a conversation with his grandma while fucking me from behind. Then his dad called and asked him what he wanted from taco bell.
I've had 5 hours of sleep and I still smell like sex with the Colonel. I don't appreciate spontaneity.
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
I'm still home, my life isn't together. Currently drying my pants
my mom is drunk and is trying to get me to take a picture of her ass. what is life?
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
Randomize
