So fucked up. Can't tell if I'm starving or about to puke. Playing it safe and eating froot loops. Tasty in, colorful out.
I wish dancing around my house in my bra and underwear to Love Shack whilst eating strawberry cake batter was an acceptable form of exercise.
Can we make a sex game out of monopoly somehow?
the worst part was waking up this morning to his skrillex ringtone.....when was it ever okay for friends to let other friends go home WITH GUYS LIKE THAT!?
Sorry, I was unaware dragging you upstairs for sex was such an awful thing.
When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
Is it frowned upon to bring a flask to the er?
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
I was drunk, he was taking a bodyshot while avoiding my piercing. I told him I loved him. He waited until I woke up with my hangover to say he loved me too. It was hangover magic.
Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
My dad slapped my ass the other day and say I was "doing the family name good". I feel...proud
Immediately after sex he layed on the floor and acted like my yellow bra was pac man
Is it weird to smoke a bong with a client from work?
The guy I blew who bought us all the shots last night? I really think he's the TV guy I'm watching give the local weather. Like right now.
Randomize
