I smell stomach acid.
So this shipmate of mine somehow managed to throw up in his back pocket.
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
I also have a full keg. I'm thinking about crashing a party, they can't get mad if I bring a keg of beer.
I'm having flashbacks from last night. Did I admit to pausing Whitney's funeral because I was watching porn? I believe I did.
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
We all make mistakes. Just lock them up deep down inside your mind so they can surface as weird sexual fantasies it takes your therapist years to decipher when your 40
Are you aware that you called me "Sexy clit lady" last night?
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
Nothing ruins an orgasm faster than accidentally calling out his boss's name
Nothing is more confusing than dreaming about being chased by jets, then waking up with an erection.
You're like a care bear with a big cock & a sexual prowess that would put the mighty Thor to shame.
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