Uhhh...do I owe you any money? Or an apology? Or anything?
allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
i feel like i'm waiting in line to date brett michaels
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
I do believe at one point I was dispensing medical advice while wearing your sombrero and a hulk hand
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
I dunno what he did but it both burns and feels amazing to pee
There no better feeling of self control than stopping yourself before telling your girlfriend she gives head just like her sister.
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
I need a costume for that party. Even if I'm just taking it off.
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
She can't even plan ahead to have toilet paper for her next shit
That's crazy. Wow that lady must be fucked up
Yeah I hope she's okay.
I'm still going to fuck her husband but I do hope she's okay.
Randomize
