why does he think he needs to feed/take me out to get some ass? we are at a bar wasting my fucking time
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
okay, certainly we can't screw this up, and even as I type, I know we will
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
im sorry but you know it was a good night when you got tasered on the ass and didnt even feel it
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
I've thrown up in front of nearly every customer we've had today.
I thought I could grab a hold of my stream of urine. So she left pretty soon after that.
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
I hid a TracFone in her bra. We'll find her tomorrow.
Your life has no conflict it's just a blur of sex and Netflix
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
I remember you banged her while I was dying on your couch, so good call
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