I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
Someone in my history class just FB messaged me saying they highly suggest I put my sunglasses on. He is sitting 18 rows in front of me...
He told me that he wanted to break up with his girl friend but only after we had sex, only for him to make sure I'm worth it..
apparently it was the return of drunk burrito sex.
Sadly him cutting me out of the duct tape dress was NOT the most awkward part of the night. It was a littleeee moist under there.....
fuck it. im taking monday off to do some Jagering.
I don't see how I managed to fuck up so much shit in an hour and a half..
Apparently I was proudly showing him the cup I barfed pizza rolls into
My gut feeling that we had reached a new level of intimacy last night was confirmed early this morning when you sleep farted on penis.
I panicked i brought burritos. Funeral burritos
She just started crying. With my dick still inside her. Something about her grandpa.
The body is still out there. I don't think my trainer realized when he asked me not to drink for 24 days, how often I see dead people
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
Randomize
