She tried to keep her legs crossed last night while doing a keg stand. Way to keep it classy.
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
when we woke up the fish was dead lying next to us on the bed. wat should i tell her
I swear to God, I just heard my guardian angel tell us to stop. I think we should listen.
I still love him regardless of his misguided forays into heterosexuality
And then he told me he just wanted me to hold his cock while we watched tv...
And they were awkwardly all over each other in a Christian way.
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
definitely just forgot to put car in park in front of a police officer and ran into a bush.
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
It's very rude to dive mouth-first into someone's crotch without knowing if their wife is cool with it.
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
I'm sorry I crashed your motorcycle and watched you get robbed from a rooftop. Will you please come back or at least drop off my shoes?
YOU WAXED MY CAT YOU SICK FUCK
I'm at work behind the bar and just washed my mouth out with rumple bc I don't have a toothbrush. This may be a new low.
Randomize
