That bitch is like a bad destiny's child song.
why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
i now have a sippy cup solely for the purpose of drinking alcohol out of...am i an alcoholic?
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
Haha. We better find him. He looked like he came out of Switzerland's vagina, he's that much of a blonde beauty.
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
So at what point do I tell her that I like fucking these hot southern girls more than I like my relationship with her?
If it's any consolation, your boobs looked awesome.
We didn't have sex but he is somehow naked and laying on top of me. his dick is touching my leg and freaking me the fuck out.
I think the last straw was when you put on ice skates to go across the waxed wooden floor.
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
I just want you to know you're the worst sister ever.
If this is about me and your ex, it's not my fault she doesn't like men.
I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.
Two questions: Did you enjoy your birthday present and how did i wake up with glitter all over my dick?
Randomize
