Cant decide who was more of a mess the morning after... me when i passed out in the bathroom stall or you when you sprayed yourself down with hairspray thinking it was sunblock
driving around with you guys listening to the beach boys made me very concious of how white you all are.
you think she would figure it out that ever dude that fucks her is just doing it bc they are in a contest to bang the fattest girl
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
I bought an american flag today and by god im gonna fuck someone on it
Lets now bow our heads and think of girls with ex boyfriends who were great at fingering them. That's so sad.
Apparently coming home smelling like I took a bath in beer is frowned upon in this household. I'm so glad I don't actually live here.
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
drinking right out of the bottle and nobody bats an eye.
its good to be home.
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
Pretty sure I love my nipple piercing more than I'll love my children someday
I'm now forever going to blame miss frizzle for making me the sexual deviant that I am today
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
They say you need two forms of ID, but in reality 1 nice set of tits works every time
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