my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
is it sad that whenever i need to spell "independent" i still sing that one rap song?
My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
I think the guy in front of me just puked in a styrofoam cup.
I'm trying to find candidates for my winter break hook up. I'm going to hold auditions thanksgiving break.
I hear sloppy seconds go great with fried rice
You will never truly trust yourself until you have shaved your armpits, legs, and vagina in the dark.
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
He just didn't want his drunk dick pulled out of his windbreaker at the family party
I honestly just wanna put my face in her tits and disappear from this plane of existence
Vodka for breakfast. With a side of Frankenberries. Don't judge me.
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
i like that he makes me laugh. those are like my two favorite things. laughing and fucking.
I got locked into my place today. You might be wondering if that was a typo... It's not.
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