This unplanned pregnancy thing is really taking all the fun out of football season.
I'm crawling around naked in my room looking for my hairbrush. Just thought I'd put that image in your head.
Just sit in your kitchen floor until something speaks to you.
My mom would probably be ok with my lifestyle as long as she doesn't see that photo of me doing bong rips in a Jesus costume.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm not leaving bed today. And i guess my drunken ass last night hit my roommate in the face with a tiki torch then proceeded to cry while carrying around a picture of he who must not being name. I'm a piece of work.
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
He ran into the room yelling "attack! Attack!", jumped on top of me on the air mattress, popped the air mattress, and then we had victory sex, because he was proud of popping it.
I can wear a rubber suit at three am and spank someone's ass until its sore and fuck them three ways from Sunday. And get up the next day and do their laundry. As long as once in awhile they rub my back without expecting anything
This is what happens when wu tang raised you
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I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
So our bartender was in the bathroom the same time I was so I ordered a beer mid stream.....is that weird?
You don't come back from leaving a bag of shit on someone's counter Jill
His weed is so good that I don't wanna risk loosing him as my weed man so I plan to keep him in the friend zone 😂
Yea I went out in footie pajamas and still got laid. Good night for u?
Like I'll lick your nuts to make you feel better if you don't get it
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