We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
The KFC double down is way too much for a drunk. He was just staring at it in awe.
we weren't quite sure what was on that mirror, so we snorted it and hoped for the best
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
Just wanna let u know that we are almost on the pity blow job level of our friendship.
her tits were more amazing then brown bears with armor and guns that fire bullets of Justice that destroys inequality.
Sadly, she's the porn star that got away
We were walking home from Pluckers (read carrying your drunk ass) and out of nowhere you yelled "Say bitch you got a Facebook?" at a random chick walking by.
I'm literally in the bathroom for two minutes and I walk out to a random dude with his face in your tits
Alright I'd bang a 4 sober, It's been like 3-4 weeks or how ever long 4th of July was ago. I wanna fuck something.
4th of July was 12 days ago. The date is literally in the text you just sent.
I don't care about the dates I just wanna bone something.
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
You peed in a public fountain and then felt bad so you put dish soap in it; 4 ft tall bubbles.
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
I have vodka, fruit gushers, and health insurance. Let's party.
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
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