I wanna wear you like a flannel shirt
Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
I just fell asleep with a sandwich in my mouth at Cosi..people definitely saw
she was trying to give me a handjob in biology class while we were learning about the penis.
Theres a truck parked on the front yard and i just want to take this opportunity to tell you now that it is not my fault.
You do realize that you're sleeping with a man who is part of a gay harem, right?
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
I just slow jerked to the titanic theme song, i dont think theres enough alcohol in the state to get me over her tonight
I wanna die of smoke inhalation. In a huge teepee. Or one of those big things kids in kindergarten have that you throw up in the air then sit inside of.
No we just stood in the kitchen and laughed for 2 hours about how funny the popcorn noise was.
Haha he was not a poor little guy. If he'd talked to me or something I might feel bad. But since I saw him groping other girls as well as myself there's no sympathy coming from me
He's just picking out the right girl. I do the same thing with fruit. Grope them, squeeze them, smell them. I have to know I'm getting quality fruit.
We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.
What would you say is the recommended tip for a hotel maid who has to clean up vomit on just about every surface of a hotel bathroom?
Kinda. I got kicked outta the bar, and then incited a riot until the cops came and I bailed
Apparently the girl he banged in the bathroom yelled at him for hitting on me all night. But whatever, he was holding her hand for most of it
Randomize
