wrigley field is MILF paradise
new low.... made out with someone while peeing
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
Yeah I think we tried to use the shower curtain as a parachute because its tied to my backpack with some string. Dont know if anyone actually attempted it though.
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
You were chewing up hot dogs and spitting them out
Were playing bathroom attendees at the party and making people wash their hands
i made a dollar
Yeah you insisted everyone watch Space Jam at 2 in the morning then you cried the whole way through it. You were the very worst kind of drunk.
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
I WANT TO JUMP IN TO A VOLCANO
Should I apologize for the loud sex I had in his living room? Because I'm not going to.
Definitely not.
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
He woke up and decided to go for a swim in the lake... At about 3am... With his dogs
I was trying to be good but he showed up with dinner and wine and I exploded. Like a bomb. A dirty, sexy bomb
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